thank you

Its been a long day, hell what am I even saying… they’ve all been long days of varying degrees. Time sometimes creeps by even slower, especially those particular hours between the time we get home from school til bedtime!

We did find our toes in the sand tonight, and that’s always a chance to take a moment and breathe in…

Being thrown so viciously into sole-parenting (I didn’t say single, that is certainly for another post!) is like an earnest bitch slap.

On the weepy side of it, I am doing everything alone, the person who brought these little ladies into the world with me who I depended on to tag team this with me is entirely gone, and this feels like a feat of Mt Everest proportions. Insurmountable hopelessness. On the daily.

On the humor side, the only break I get is while they’re both at school, two days a week. And I can’t lie and say that is my most productive time of day or days. I typically am just so swept with relief, I honestly want to self-indulge. I haven’t yet, but I can only imagine throwing myself mercilessly flat on the floor after walking back through the door at home, and just lay there until its time to go pick them up again.
Or have them Ubered back home.
Wouldn’t that be nice?

I’m not sure what I am feeling about all this yet, but I can tell you this, always.. the truth…

I posted that first post with both eyes closed, searching for the touchpad to hit “Publish” and just ripping off the band-aid.

This hurts, this all hurts.
The WHY I’m doing this… it is so painful.

Never in our 10 years did I think, January 2017 I would be writing… about being his widow. !? Its absurd. Incomprehensible.
I can’t think of a more intense word, but I hate that this is my reality, any widow’s – I always start our conversations with, “I hate this for you, I hate that we’re doing this.”
.. BUT… (there’s always a but with me)…

I am still here.
Because I am still here, this is what I am going to do.
I must.

The truth is, I shared that inaugural post to my personal Facebook page and after all I had been given by way of inspiration to begin this project, I was still a little doubtful! The little negative committee in my head tried to call a meeting.
I really don’t care what people actually think or feel about the way in which I walk with this, because it is all mine, but I do care about and want to protect like a mama bear…

My truth & vulnerability.

And any time you’re exposing yourself, any time when you’re letting the truth be set free, letting the vulnerability outta the bag, doubt is making an appearance.

This is all for showing up and leaning in and hopefully giving someone permission to live fully in theirs.
That’s all I’ve ever really wanted to do.
Absolutely with my relationship with Shayne. I desired to always share my vulnerability so he could see how all in I was, and in turn, he would have permission and freedom to do the same. Be the example. But sometimes I felt like I shared too much, I truth-told too much. I know now it wasn’t too much at all. I loved and poured as much as I could possibly give to him in the moments I thought I needed to, and I am so thankful I did.

And I don’t want anyone following me over here who doesn’t appreciate or respect the sensitivity of this and what we will eventually do here. Stick to social media, then, and I’ll ask everyone else politely once… don’t come around here with your insensitivity.
This is a safe space and place.
And people will hopefully come here and settle in to breathe in authenticity.
Watered-down highlight reels, mantras and cliches won’t live here. The real deal is happening in this zone, no time for anything else, healing is on the line. I’m protecting this space with my heart.

But I have had some pretty amazing, sensitive people, an entire tribe of them, show up and lean in with me. People who truly aren’t afraid to grasp me while I’m on fire. Risk burning themselves. While I’m raging with honesty and standing in the blaze of my true feelings. They’ve stuck their hands willingly into the fire.
Thats what grief does, it burns, burns, burns, and the flames get higher.

They certainly haven’t been afraid of what this has done to me and what I now bring to the table of our relationship. They haven’t backed away from my inferno, they’ve leaned in. Because it means that much to them to stay close.
Some of them family, some not. A majority of them I wasn’t very close to before this.

Its interesting the dynamics that get shaken up when someone dies.
I have heard from dozens of widows, and they all feel about the same: you are abandoned not only by the love of your life but bewilderingly and twisted enough, add into that loss some of your closest friends and family members. Some start dropping out of the hurt locker, unable to emote, face you or their own pain or… truths. The unforgiveness of grief bleeds out into every aspect of your life, spreading like a wildfire. No stone is unturned. Its all tainted.

So here I am, stepping into a mode I know. The way I have always been able to feel authentic and set myself free. Just write. Its already a lonely place to feel all these feelings, have them held hostage by a person who will never feel, hear or see them again…

All of it has to go somewhere.
Widows have this burden, among many, to carry their encompassing love for their spouse onward for the rest of their lives.
Where does all that go??

Wherever you need it to.

I am thankful you showed up and leaned in, whoever you are and however you are here, thank you… I hope we keep allowing ourselves to feel and lead with truth, always.

Whatever gives you the momentum to keep going onward. Seek that light.

joy+health+peace,
caroline

#widowstrong