I was thinking, it certainly feels like this week requires of me to end it the same as we began it… a deep breath and blind hope, gratitude and celebrating LIFE.
His life. Our life.
Just being here, still. Waking up. Holding these ladies. The breath in our lungs.
And blowing out the damn candle(s).
Like you couldn’t tell, perspective hits pretty hard in this walk.
Sadly we have had to endure a death to get there, but the perspective is served up fresh daily… hourly… minute by minute.
Big things, small things, they switch roles and in no particular order.
Life as you knew it and know it is completely topsy turvy.
Namely your beliefs are rocked, the legs of them taken right out from under you.
And you feel raw and exposed but you must be protective, and can’t let anyone shame you for being and sitting in a middle ground.
Well I’m here to stand firm in my truth, I’m freakin’ sitting in it.
And giving myself grace and permission to feel unsure, about this whole damn racket of a thing called life.
My corner of the universe has proven itself to be not so black and white.
There’s no definitive explanation or solution or policy that eradicates this or heals it.
Its a blindfolded, out stretched hands, wondering where the hell the light switch is, exercise.
This situation, the untimely death, the circumstances, this grief walk …are NOT black and white issues.
Your day to day is a smudged slate.
And may be that way for awhile… Hell. I don’t even know.
I’m still in it.
I was speaking with an inner circle friend today and confessed I still feel like I am in “the fog.” Whatever that even is, words can’t describe. But I feel it.
A constant, what am I DOING?
Where does this all lead?
How do I pick up and dust off? When do I?
When is it going to happen? What will it look like?
Am I doing this right? What is RIGHT!?
Am I not crying enough?
Am I making him proud? What would he be doing?
WHO AM I!? (Such a question, right? But really, he’s all I have known since I was 19 and the exponential growth and changes we went through together in such a short period of time… I have and do wonder… who am I now?)
Where do I go with my life NOW?
Feelings of genuine uncertainty, and the future isn’t sharpening into focus… yet.
Some decisions were very confusing in the beginning, some of them I have made and moved on from. Others are still hanging before me that need to be decided upon, I guess.
A lot of things, decisions, once priorities… seem vague.
Relationships. Parenting. Tomorrow’s dinner plans.
Even these current social affairs just look gray.
Everything looks a little out of focus right now.
I’m not trying to be a ho-hum middle of the roader on purpose. I didn’t choose this.
Its just, my equilibrium is off. STILL. I’m a little ashamed to admit to that.
Its like I’ve had too much to drink, I’ve got the spins… and I’ve got to get that one foot on the floor before falling asleep. Because if I don’t have connection or focus on the stable ground, I may just spiral away.
My foot doesn’t seem to have found the damn floor… yet.
Theres a lot I can’t decipher, except… what I’m doing in the moment.
(But really, if I am being authentic, was I ever definitively sure what the hell I was doing when he was here??)
And in the moment, I am here. Being honest with my feelings.
Or wiping a 4 year old’s butt.
Or standing over a boiling pot of water ready for the macaroni, blankly and satisfactorily watching the bubbles topple over, thinking about my next move in this life.
My life… this new life, is awkward, uncomfortable and not polished.
And lets face it, not full of political agenda or being on the right side of a debate or spectacular triumph or accomplishments or blockbuster adventure or perfectly poised selfies or gold polka dots on a white background and pink coffee cups.
Its just… coming into its own new thing, and gray right now.
My complete sense of self and core has been sucker-punched, and my life partner robbed from me.
What more do you really want from me right now other than just up-to-the-minute honesty and some jolts of perspective? Thats what I got. Thats what I know I can give right now.
Because I’m going to bravely choose to give grace to gray right now. And love us through it.
I’ll wear that. (and do quite often…. my wardrobe is definitely in the black/white/gray spectrum).
Ambivalence has a team color, and its all shades of gray.
Give me all the shades.
And I’ll still bounce between having moments of joy and pain.
Let me have moments of joy, moments of laughing my head off at dumb shit we used to laugh about or I know he would laugh at.
Moments that make me smile, but also cringe, because he’s missing out on enjoying.
I can’t pick a single emotion to be, and settle on anything, because there are too many to choose from!
Everything, every moment has a flip side. Its all bitter and sweet. A constant paradox. Celebration and sadness.
Its neither black, nor white.
I’m willing to honor that because…. I have no authority to ignore it, the truth.
It’s the limbo my heart is in.
Celebrating him, his heart, his love for us… its easy. It really is. He is easy to love. Still.
But looking at how much time has passed since we heard his voice and felt his hug… it doesn’t make this easier.
Time doesn’t heal. Time doesn’t make anything better.
If anything, it has stacked and compounded the pain.
Time does not wave any sort of magic wand after a certain point and poof, hurt be gone!
We will be playing tug-of-war, the hurt and pain and disappointment while still capable of feeling grateful, honoring and loving him. Never knowing when which side will conquer, on any given day or moment.
The doors open, and I never really know which side I’m going to feel compelled to sit next to in the car.
Letting it all come and go as needed, being okay with the unpredictability, living comfortably uncomfortable in the gray.