one

A terrible, toxic liar tried to hold me hostage. Until today.

Day one. I don’t want to hide from this space. That wasn’t why I created it.
I didn’t create it to back away when things were good bad or ugly. I never knew how ugly they could possibly get but I keep reminding myself… everything, this is all human.
I am a human going through what a human goes through. Don’t overthink it. Put that on a t-shirt for me, I’ll wear it as a constant reminder.

I’m not sugar coating this and this isn’t a plea for sympathy. This is just honest. This standing in the truth of climbing out of heaviness. One day I’ll look back at this and see how far I have come. This will be useful… being honest, and standing in it. Someone needs to see someone else being bold in their struggle. I have followed and watched others tell their truth in how they are digging out and its never NOT been helpful.

Its felt heavy. Without details, I have piled on the weight of the world on my back and I am too tired to carry it anymore. I don’t owe the world that.

And this is just simply what kept me here today. Permission to be here, stay.

I am grateful for an unexpected and simple message I received today:
You are needed and loved. (Thank you💛)
Someone was sincerely noticing and extending compassion. (So if you ever second guess, or think by reaching out to someone… you’re bothering them or you don’t know what to say… whatever message you’re called to carry to someone you think may be hurting somehow, don’t hesitate. You are getting a feeling, a pull, for a reason. Just the acknowledgement goes a long way). It brought me to tears because in awhile, I haven’t felt that way at all… about myself.
And I thought, and foolish enough to think, it could go undetected.
That realization made me take action. That saved me from myself a little more today.

A friend recently told me to focus on one thing. Just one thing that will align me in happiness or bring calm. One thing only. Don’t get rattled into thinking how you’re going to attack the whole day, not every minute awake, just one thing, one moment.
I don’t know how the rest of my days getting out from under this are going to look but I know that for today, this saved me. This pulled me back into peace. This made me feel less and just be. Be alive more. And I do know from running other marathons …it starts with one step. Just one breath at a time. Focus on the breath you’re in.
And thats what I did today.

Although I have been too ashamed to walk into my yoga studio, I took out my mat and looked up yoga for depression on YouTube. I gathered the troops, just simple comforts, reminders, real energy lives. And symbols of the flow of abundance and goodness, and nothing in this world is permanent. Everything only holds the value you give it.

And not to lie to myself… symbols and energies matter to me, and good things do and will happen to me if I am open to receive. Don’t close off to the universe.
I know what its like to receive abundance. I am not an unworthy person.

I was reminded last night and held onto it today during my practice, that whatever we go through, no matter what we do, is all forgiven and God… whatever you know that to be… still loves us. (Thank you Dad).
I am not the only person who has ever hurt, been wronged, been lied to, been betrayed, been dramatic, not made myself proud, made mistakes, kept secrets, hurt other people, yelled and hurt someone, purposely hurt myself, held onto guilt… I am not special in any of those ways. And still here we all are, anyway.
I needed to hear that. Its here for you if you did, too.

No more lying to myself.
No matter what has occurred, I am worthy of honoring myself and allowing my truest and biggest self to be revealed.
I have already been forgiven and shown grace. Who am I to hold myself hostage with guilt or shame about a mistake that I made or someone else made? I don’t have that kind of authority.
I am worthy of my love being reciprocated. I am worthy of being seen and heard, and shown grace and mercy and forgiveness and compassion by the people I choose to have in my life and, freely giving that all back to them.
You are love. Period.

The Giving Key was given to me by my friend after I moved here.
She wrote me an encouraging note and gifted me, paid forward, her Grace key that was given to her and it is my responsibility to pay it forward to someone who needs it someday. It served as a reminder today that I am full of grace, it has carried me this far.
By the merciful hand of grace, I am still here. Still breathing. Still wanting, more than anything, to love. And to love and honor myself… even when it feels impossible.
You are full of grace, and by grace you will carry onward.

I don’t know what tomorrow looks like, but I do know… focusing on collecting one moment at a time of weightlessness and peace right now is going to win this.
I don’t want to bear the heaviness. I choose not to.
So, I have to show up in a way I know how.
No expectations. No pressure. No blueprint. No one else needing to be involved. No examination of anymore feelings or thoughts. Let them come and go.
Just one step at a time.
One gratitude at a time.

I do know if you are stuck somewhere emotionally that feels hopeless, it is inside you… all the power and peace you need. It is there. It is there waiting for you.
It may be stuck underneath the liar that is telling you you are nothing and undeserving. That is not truth. That will never be the truth.

No matter what was said, or done yesterday… you’re here today. You showed up.
For a reason.
This pain, this confusion, this season of elevating above the lies that have cloaked themselves in pain(ego)-indulgent truths… will be useful to you.
You are needed.
You are stronger and bigger and matter more than any one singular moment.

No matter how bad things seem to be, no matter how much you think things are working against you and you are losing everything… you are not. You are here. You are not the things you’ve lost, the mistakes you have made, or the choices of others that effected you.
You are a good and pure soul, and good things are meant for you. Abundance is meant for you.
Forgiveness, for all things.
Lay all the guilt down and stay here with your breath.