seasons end

I’ll keep summer, though, thanks!
I’m not particularly great at a stringent routine. I think its because I lack practice?, my roots have been uprooted for the better part of a decade and my transient life has required I not get too comfortable in one setting.
School ended for me a week ago, started for them today, and starts up again for me the end of the month. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Anyhow, I am going to be a little awkward for a few days!

I ended summer session with 2 B’s and an A, and I can say that I am too glad its over to even care. I was under the gun of two math classes, TWO!, one of them being Statistics and I am just not quite over the shock and awe of getting a passing grade in it. Much less a B. I remember first day of class, looking at the syllabus and formula sheet and saying a quiet, “Oh shit” prayer. Like…. what in the actual Hell have I gotten myself into?

When I took us to campus to return my calculator, we decided to leave some of Shayne at the trees near the library. I remember seeing them the first time when I went into the library last semester the first time, and they made me gasp. I knew it then. Very much a perfect place for him. And a reminder to me, to them, he is always with us. No matter what. No step onward in this journey without him is trivial. It all matters. Its all proof we were here, we loved, and we kept living. And we’re still intent on making it all matter and count. This is the richness of our life.

Taking college classes brings a cure for my curiosity and stimulation to my life I absolutely LOVE and NEED and DESERVE and ENJOY and it just makes my introverted heart and head so happy to have this focus on something other than the obvious.
Other than the kids. Other than the to-do lists and duties. Other than the “normal” of being a parent. Other than what I ‘should’ be doing as a 30-something. Other than what has gone wrong. Other than where I am falling short.

To be honest, I don’t really want to do anything other than be intellectually challenged right now, and I am so grateful I am doing just that. I’d go to school forever. I’d listen to someone tell me more about things I don’t know for the rest of my life!
I think I may have to add become a professor to the dream board just so I can give that back, because I love it so much.
I’ve employed many methods since Shayne died to settle myself up with this new life, and, I just keep trying everything and anything. This one, though, fits like a glove.
I rely on no outside validation, I require nothing but my own steady focus and persistence. And theres a gift coming, that I have already hand-selected, that no one can take away! BONUS.
Staying fluid, being flexible about the methods… stubborn about the goal. Step aside bullshit. I’m here to collect degrees for awhile. And build a future for me and my ladies that brings nothing but ascension.

I was outside the other day, during our last days of summer vacation, enjoying a book. Audrey came out to join me with her book – she read the entire thing that afternoon and evening. But I watched, she was hanging onto every word in her chapter book and her sister came outside and started raking and playing with the plants.
They’re little Shayne and Caroline. Its hard not to see. I can’t help it. And again, I am so grateful to get this view of who they are growing into because it really is something beautiful. Even though half of them is not here, they’ve created and are growing into magnificence in the space he no longer occupies. Just like the flowers in the concrete they are, blooming where they are planted.

I am watching them just as intently as they are watching me. We see each other and have since we became a trio. Its important, now their little heads and hearts are growing more aware of the world and how they occupy it…
I protect them. And show them.
You don’t have to subscribe to anyone’s expectations of you. In fact, DON’T. EVER.
You just have to remain steady in your truth. You owe not-a-thing but …honesty. Honesty IS kind.

And girls, you won’t find clarity within yourself faking your way through relationships. Relationships are like currency, and you don’t want to be caught with a bunch of counterfeits. You won’t find who you are in those muddy waters. I’ve not been a fan of “fake it till you make it.” As a matter of fact, I am going to stand current in whatever the Hell I need to be til I make it. Anyone else’s “well, she should’a’s” are totally irrelevant.

Allow yourself to dig in and feel whatever needs to be felt that brings peace, to yourself and hopefully those around you.
You are not here to perform for others, and do what someone thinks you need to do or say or think or feel because its “agreeable” or makes them comfortable. Take up all the necessary space to be YOU.
My little ladies, remain unsubscribed from other people’s timelines, expectations, and for the love of everything, codes of unrealistic positivity by which people can’t emotionally adhere to because…… we’re like…. HUMAN. Healing begins with feeling. IT ALL. Good, bad, ugly.
If theres one thing I need you to see and hear, its… get real, and stay that way.

I’ll burn my sage, and raise the vibes with my crystals and meditate but my pendulum doesn’t stay to one side. I don’t want to be misunderstood that I can be taken advantage of and that I don’t have a center of steel that doesn’t want to put up with BS. Maybe I’ve hardened up a bit, understandably, I am giving myself grace for that.
This season, I have been under construction building a fortress around us, again.

But I didn’t get this far, doing what I have done with who I am and what I have, worried about anything else but being true to my own journey through this time I have left. Healing, self love, and awareness doesn’t boil down to a round point with being happy all the time, and “nice.” Its a little edgier.

Contrary, its about loving all the parts of you at any given time.
Loving you when you ‘aren’t lovable’ and you’ve made mistakes and taken a tumble. Loving you into getting back up again. Love yourself RADICALLY. Not just when it feels good. Not just when all systems are a go.

And don’t expect someone else to do that radical loving work for you.
Don’t expect someone else to do something you aren’t willing to do and give yourself.

“You are not supposed to be happy all the time.

Life hurts and it’s hard.

Not because you’re doing it wrong, but because it hurts for everybody.

Don’t avoid the pain. You need it. It’s meant for you. Be still with it, let it come, let it go, let it leave you with the fuel you’ll burn to get your work done on this earth.”
– Glennon Doyle