4/16/20

I’d be lying if I said this week doesnt grind the grief in my stomach…

There is so much grief showing up in all of our lives right now.
Stories are coming out about how people are dying alone and loved ones are forced to grieve all alone, isolated. 

I cannot begin to know that grief. I only know my own.
There were times in the first few days I was confused about my own life and why I was still alive? It sounds as bizarre as it feels.
I was surrounded by people trying to help – like driving blindfolded –  but don’t remember who.
I needed them though.
And it makes me very sad to know what some people are going through right now, with no one allowed over to their home to hold them.

I was told recently that this is all easy for me (quarantining) because I’ve been at home with the girls since they were babies.

A note on that from a 4-year-old old widow during a collective crisis… 

True, I am well adapted to being with the ladies. 

I have a well-stocked bar of Truly’s and personal coping skills that maybe have you seeing this is “easy” for me.
What you definitely don’t see is, a lot of heavy mental and emotional lifting.

I have chosen not to distract myself from my own emotions (as if they were a weakness) and choose “busy-ness” and hustle as my strategy to win at life. That doesn’t mean I’m not doing it right. And doesn’t mean I have anything “easy.”

Just because someone carries pain and hurt “well” and they appear to be strong and unaffected, doesn’t mean they don’t fight to carry it. 

My life as I had wanted it, and known it, was already taken away.
It wasn’t via a global pandemic.
The world did not stop turning or shutdown when Shayne died.

Within one day I did not recognize my life, within a few weeks I hardly recognized my own self – I was called to handle feelings and a situation I never imagined I’d be asked to handle.

I couldn’t continue to live anymore the way I had, in any way.
Nothing was the same, nothing felt familiar. Still doesn’t.
Somehow, sometimes, this still doesnt seem right or real. Even 4 years later.

I didn’t come out of a bubble of mourning to return to things as they had been.
Nothing was business as usual. And I didn’t have any option to recover who I had lost.

No matter how long I tough this out as a solo parent, doesn’t reflect my acceptance of it. Or want it this way.

I am still down a person I counted on for more than just getting through each day.

The way he moved about our world was unique and I havent seen it since.
The yard looks like shit and I could sure use his help.

This isnt “easy” to go through,  for anyone, nor go through alone…  nothing is. 

Athletes make breaking records look easy…. I am no disciplined athlete but you get the idea. 

Look around.

Look at your own life, are you in a relationship? What were your motives, what brought you to it? Insecurity? Loneliness?
The point of this thing we call life ISN’T TO DO IT ALONE.

Theres nothing easy about any of it. For anyone. Especially alone.

I still miss Shayne for all of us. 

I think about how each of our people’s hearts hurt knowing he’s not here and the hurt they’ve felt listening to me go through this for 4 very long-short years. That hasn’t been “easy.”
As an empathic person, it effects me deeply to share those feelings and be completely honest about how hurtful it was to lose Shayne and the secondary and third losses beyond him. 

I hurt with you and for you, I’m sorry. I was, and still am.
He was just that cool, and wholehearted.

In the 4 years its now been today… I can be honest about a few things:
I am in no way healed and I am considering to accept that I might not ever be.

I still love him very much.

I’m sad I cant go through this with him specifically, feeling supported and cared about.

I still get provoked by loneliness and its been the hardest thing to deal with.

I’m overwhelmed by a lot of the same feelings and thoughts I had and expressed right after he died, and how I am hearing the same things be said back to me now because everyone is grieving losses in some way. Some of the very same sentiments I shared in new grief I am hearing and reading now.

What I have learned in 4 years is that, this doesn’t go away.
With or without being in a relationship, dating/not, sober/not, with kids/without, money/broke, job/no job, school/no school, therapy/no therapy… it does.not.go.away.
Doesn’t matter how much your people want to see you healed and happy and not sad anymore – it does.not.go.away.
Its not like training wheels, you don’t take them off when you’ve grasped your balance.
It doesn’t make sure you are well on your way with your new life and decides to cut ties with you.

I’ve learned now, that its here. But it stays relevant, so it changes.
It feels different and I am starting to understand it will continue to become more and less than what it is now.
I’ve learned that it doesn’t go away because other really terrible things happen to other people, or millions of people at the same time.
Griefs don’t cancel each other out, they compound.

I grieve a lot of losses today. Not just his heart not beating any longer.
A lot of people are. They are not only mourning a person’s life lost, but a future they were supposed to have together. I understand.

I miss us. ❤  Stay well.