This isn’t something I could have anticipated. I miss him. A lot. A lot, a lot. Like stuffing it down, swallowing it hole, a lot. Feels like now, more than ever, I’m craving his presence, guidance, and friendship. Awake at night a lot. Closing my eyes, swallowing tears, catching my breath alone, a lot. Feeling […]
Category: thoughts and feels
soulrise
I keep thinking of what my friend asked me weeks ago and which I wrote about… she asked me if I have allowed myself to still dream. I laid between my girls as they napped, while making me feel like I was steaming in a sauna, and it seems to always be in these unpretentious […]
sky full of stars
I can’t explain with full rationale why I have taken a hiatus here. This means so much to me, why do I push it away? Every time someone asks me if I’ve “written lately” and “well, why not?” I stumble through a half-ass explanation about being anxious and not wanting to share certain things out of […]
clean break
I was cleaning our babe cave all morning and over and over and over and OVER my brain is reminding me, “He would be doing this… and this… and cleaning that… or fixing that…” I do not get a break. I repeat: NO BREAKS. Especially not mental ones. And it angers me. I can’t scrub […]
what i know
What was it like being loved by Shayne? No one’s had the courage to ask, and unfortunately I don’t really get asked very often about him, good times or bad, or our life together at all and it hasn’t even been a year… but his love, our love needs to shine. Taking a note out of Oprah’s […]
mean to me
What I haven’t wanted to do was write… Which is precisely why, I must. I have spent the better part of the last few days feeling ANGRY. MAD. FRUSTRATED. And when I say better part.. I mean it. And anyone who endures this all-engrossing, tight-clenched grip of grief knows… you don’t exaggerate any of it. […]
gray-cious
I was thinking, it certainly feels like this week requires of me to end it the same as we began it… a deep breath and blind hope, gratitude and celebrating LIFE. His life. Our life. Just being here, still. Waking up. Holding these ladies. The breath in our lungs. And blowing out the damn candle(s). […]
what the hell
I’m sitting here at Starbucks, watching the baristas pace behind the counter, answer requests, open and close the sandwich oven, talk into their headsets… I keep closing my eyes, like “How is this where I am?” Now, I know what you might be thinking if you know me………. of course I’m at Starbucks, why am I wondering […]
the SOULSHINE project 