coming home

We pulled into our new apartment complex with the van packed full of goodies from IKEA and COSTCO, our 3 beating, eager hearts, and a whole lot of courage. That was it. That’s what landed in the inaugural babe cave just 14 months ago, night one. Just our beating hearts of courage, lots of good […]

soulrise

I keep thinking of what my friend asked me weeks ago and which I wrote about… she asked me if I have allowed myself to still dream. I laid between my girls as they napped, while making me feel like I was steaming in a sauna, and it seems to always be in these unpretentious […]

time to move on

We were definite opposites. I always used to poke fun at him about being a busy-body, never sitting down, always checking things off his list in his head. Shayne was so efficient. Always on a task. One task to the next. I don’t know if it was anxiety or just his love language, acts of service, […]

sky full of stars

I can’t explain with full rationale why I have taken a hiatus here. This means so much to me, why do I push it away? Every time someone asks me if I’ve “written lately” and “well, why not?” I stumble through a half-ass explanation about being anxious and not wanting to share certain things out of […]

the first year

There are no words …and would require ALL the words… to describe, recount, express what I have experienced in the 365 days since Shayne died. I still hesitate when I type that. When I say it. He died. Still… HOW is that even possible and my reality? My God… my brain still trips over the […]

miles to go

I have anxiety. Its nearly always bubbling below the surface. I wake up with an anxious stomach and unless I am staying in the moment, its there waiting for me. I had no idea what “having anxiety” even was or felt like until around 7 months ago. When I was starting to come out of […]

clean break

I was cleaning our babe cave all morning and over and over and over and OVER my brain is reminding me, “He would be doing this… and this… and cleaning that… or fixing that…” I do not get a break. I repeat: NO BREAKS. Especially not mental ones. And it angers me. I can’t scrub […]

what i know

What was it like being loved by Shayne? No one’s had the courage to ask, and unfortunately I don’t really get asked very often about him, good times or bad, or our life together at all and it hasn’t even been a year… but his love, our love needs to shine. Taking a note out of Oprah’s […]

mean to me

What I haven’t wanted to do was write… Which is precisely why, I must. I have spent the better part of the last few days feeling ANGRY. MAD. FRUSTRATED. And when I say better part.. I mean it. And anyone who endures this all-engrossing, tight-clenched grip of grief knows… you don’t exaggerate any of it. […]

words matter

Stranger: “Lovely weather we’re having!” Me: “Yeah, it is! Did I mention I’m a widow?” I want to throw it like confetti into almost every conversation I have with anyone and everyone. Don’t get me wrong, not for the sympathy. But genuinely, as a disclaimer… As to say, please excuse me if I seem on […]