identity

When do you stop being a widow, …or can you? There have been many moments throughout this walk as Shayne’s widow I don’t have all the right words or phrases or even authenticity locked and loaded. I have struggled with finding the words for my emotions. The words don’t always match the weight of what […]

lift and carry

Its been 2.5 years ago today. I’m trying to focus on… not the day, but instead, what positive changes… growth… leaps… bigness I have stepped into since. The progress. Instead of focusing and rewinding myself right back to those moments 2.5 years ago…. What beauty have I created in the space he no longer occupies? […]

one

A terrible, toxic liar tried to hold me hostage. Until today. Day one. I don’t want to hide from this space. That wasn’t why I created it. I didn’t create it to back away when things were good bad or ugly. I never knew how ugly they could possibly get but I keep reminding myself… […]

recognizable

I haven’t felt like writing about my life so much as I have been (& wanting to) actively participate in living it. Other outlets for my creativity have become available. Or… maybe I am just avoiding sitting with myself and getting honest in this space. I’ve been busy creating in other ways. Therapy helps but […]

&

I really don’t know if I would even want to, I wouldn’t want to spoil any of this and really, wouldn’t have wanted any of this to happen any differently… but if I had to. If I had to tell my newly-widowed self one thing. One thing that might help turn a corner faster. Or, […]

clearing

I felt like this needed to find its way out. No more shame, no guilt. I don’t go to therapy to bitch and complain. I go to therapy so that tiny voice in my head that has wanted me to give up, just give it all up already, and is so tired of the strife […]

permission

Do you recognize when you’re in a “season”? When you’re in either the ebb or the flow of things? Lately, I’m thinkin’ this has definitely been a season of surrender. Surrender and permission. I don’t know, I think thats what widows have to do. On our own timelines, surrender to reality, and give ourselves permission […]

gift giving

I was asked recently if sending a Christmas card to a grieving family who had recently lost a loved one was appropriate. Nothing wrong with asking me this question, I honor it. A whole lot. Anyone who is willing to ask me these types of questions is brave, mindful, and it shows a whole lot […]

love in photographs

This is the progression. The journey in photos of our time here at the beach thus far. That first photo was taken by Melissa right after we moved here last year. It was July 16th… 3 months to the day since Shayne died. I woke up griefy. Almost cancelled on them because I felt like […]

missing person

This isn’t something I could have anticipated. I miss him. A lot. A lot, a lot. Like stuffing it down, swallowing it hole, a lot. Feels like now, more than ever, I’m craving his presence, guidance, and friendship. Awake at night a lot. Closing my eyes, swallowing tears, catching my breath alone, a lot. Feeling […]